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Thursday, July 30, 2015

Champions Vs Shadows #1 Round 1 Reviews: Edric Haleen

Hello, Songwriters!

Much has been said about judging and reviewing being subjective.  To that I simply want to add . . . "indeed."  I never figured I'd write reviews.  I didn't know that I really felt qualified, and I liked WRITING songs far more than the thought of reviewing songs.

But as I decided not to sign up for Champions Vs. Shadows (http://happinessboard.com/Sample.html to catch up on why), I decided to actually go ahead and try my hand at writing some reviews.  I've always enjoyed reading other people's reviews of things I've written -- good, bad, or indifferent -- so maybe I owe it to others to pay that forward.  (And by writing reviews, I guess I'm also continuing the tradition of Champions taking a turn out to be a judge.  And since this is a slightly different take on the whole SpinTunes experience, I can still be in ST11 next January as I promised.  So I guess there's no better confluence of circumstances than this one to be a "judge.")

So here goes . . .

First of all -- congrats to all you songwriters.  You've moved the mountain and you've added music to the world.  That's a laudable accomplishment, and the world should thank you.  As I write these reviews of your work, I'll attempt to explain things to the best of my ability, and I'll attempt to share the things I look for and think are important when writing songs.  I'll own my biases, and I'll hope that people ultimately get something out of what I write.  Some things I'll say simply so they've been said, even if I don't use them when I go to "rank" the songs.  Other things I'll share because they do affect my rankings.  And so you know?  I'm going to spend most of my time reviewing the WRITING of the songs.  I'll make a few comments here and there about production values and performance and whatnot, but if this is billed as a songWRITING competition, then I feel the primary focus of the judging and the reviewing should be on the writing.

Furthermore, as SpinTunes challenges songwriters to write songs ABOUT something, I'm correspondingly going to pay a lot of attention to the writing of the LYRICS.  I'll take into account both the story that's BEING told and the craft with WHICH it's told.  So to begin, let's start with one of my strong biases -- rhyming.  Rhyme in song serves a purpose.  (They can serve several kinds of purposes, in fact.)  So let's talk about rhymes . . .

I'm going to showcase four contestants as examples -- two from each "pool."  First is Zoe Gray from the Realm of Shadows.  And I'm discussing her first because she (in my opinion) wins the rhyming category hands down.  She established a rhyme scheme and then stuck with it.  She had rhymes both within sections and ACROSS sections of her lyric.  And she made certain her rhymes rhymed properly and didn't settle for any near-rhymes.  Anywhere.  Brava.

Next is Jenny Katz from the Realm of the Champions.  She went the opposite route and chose NO rhymes -- to very good effect.  However, I do have a question for you, Jenny.  Was your use of assonance in the bridge intentional?  I'm guessing that it was, as it seems too premeditated to be accidental.  (I'm referring to "guess/rest," "bed/forget," and "eyes/side.")  I honestly can't decide if true rhymes would have been better there.  Internal rhymes help drive a line forward, of course.  Does internal assonance accomplish the same thing but perhaps with a "softer touch"?  Or would finding true rhymes have been the more appropriate choice.  I don't know . . .

Moving on to MC Ohm-I.  He wrapped (not intending for that to be pun-nish) himself up firmly within his genre and all but said, "I'm going to near-rhyme EVERYTHING, and I don't care."  And I had a lot of respect for that artistic choice.  The only place we had a true rhyme was "names/games" in the chorus, and that seemed appropriate and acceptable.  But then -- right at the end -- we suddenly had "lot/plot" and "ample/sample."  In a verse.  Where every time before we had had near rhymes.  I felt the littlest bit betrayed by that change of scheme . . .

Last of the "top four"?  Brian Grey from the Realm of the Shadows.  Let me start by simply saying this:

DAMN.

The sheer ambition of this lyric.  Did you (the listeners) all take the time to appreciate the crazy-wicked internal rhyming going on here?  (If you didn't -- or even if you did -- I'm going to take some space to explicate on Brian's behalf...)

Let's re-write the beginning of the lyric to showcase the rhymes by breaking the line every time one occurs . . .
(A)  What the HELL?
(B)  How could YOU
(C)  Think that that was gonna WORK? 
(A)  Can’t you TELL?
(B)  Get a CLUE.
(C)  Now the system’s gone berSERK.
(D)  Put it down, walk away, go and sit over THERE. 

(E)  See the SPRING
(F)  That’s aSKEW?
(G)  It’s installed in reVERSE. 
(E)  EveryTHING
(F)  That you DO
(G)  Makes the world a little WORSE. 
(D)  Take a nap, eat some cheese, just get out of my HAIR.

(H)  Why must _I_
(H)  Be burdened BY
(J)  Such lazy, DENSE
(J)  IncompeTENCE? 
(K)  That’s delicate; Just leave it on the SHELF. 

(L)  So now it’s my JOB
(M)  To enSURE
(N)  That your stuff is FITTING. 
(L)  Temples THROB,
(M)  Must enDURE
(N)  Freaking babySITTING. 
(K)  Tell you what: nevermind, I’ll just do it mySELF.
(And that's just the FIRST section!)

Rhymes (C) and (G) and (N) are the obvious rhymes at the ends of lines.  These are the ones your ear hears the most readily.  Within that, rhymes (A) and (B), (E) and (F), and (L) and (M) are internal rhymes ACROSS lines, which add sparkle and drive to the lines and keeps propelling them forward.  Then rhymes (H) and (J) are internal rhymes WITHIN a line, which adds extra punch to those words and works with the music to give that section a markedly different feel.  And on top of all of that, rhymes (D) and (K) are rhymes across SECTIONS!

23.6% of the words in that section are part of the rhyme scheme.  That's INSANE.  I've only written two songs with a higher rhyme density, and one of them was a 30-second jingle for Simply Lemonade that only had 38 words TOTAL!  (The other was "To My Significant Self," and I don't know between Brian and I which one of us had to work harder to craft our lyric . . . but I also don't think it matters.  Both, I'm sure, were hard-fought, and both are lyrics of which to be immensely proud.)

But I have a couple of questions for you too, Brian.  Why, why, WHY did you acquiesce to leaving "end/then" in the least frenetic part of the song?  (And after a triple rhyme, no less?  WHY?!)

And couldn't you have ironed out "around/down" in the final section?  With everything else so amazingly crafted, why that?

And I noticed you changed the rhyme scheme at the very end as well.  In the other sections, there was a rhyme between "again" and "most."  Now the rhyme's been moved down to "one through 'n'."  (Which is a rhyme for which I applaud you greatly.)

(Jeez I hate picking these nits.  Seriously, Brian -- just a tremendous thing you've written there.)

Okay -- here's some quick notes (confined ALMOST exclusively to the subject of rhyme) for everyone else.  Remember -- my view is, "If you're gonna rhyme in your lyric, RHYME in your lyric" . . .

Rob from Amersfoort -- You also boldly went with no rhymes at all (except maybe "rain" and "hurricane").  On top of that, you used repetition ("house/house/house" and "brick/brick/brick") to good effect.  A cute little lyric.  I liked it a lot.

Trader Jack -- Another lyric which didn't rely upon rhyme -- merely the combo of "four/door/more" right at the end.  Interesting lyric.  By the way -- I did the geometric construction (and I invite you to do the math in "2-14-11"), and I'll confess that I couldn't see where the 5th circle begged to be drawn.  But I nevertheless saw the three adjacent rhombi that were formed and how they would suggest a three-dimensional rectangular prism.  It's an intriguing thought -- COULD the process be extended to spheres?  To connect the centers to the circles/planes of intersection would be to draw cones.  That could be weird . . .

James Young -- I'm a purist.  Sorry.  In my book, "hands" doesn't rhyme with "sand."  Nor does "shows" rhyme with "below" or "scream" with "dreams."  I'm going to speak very fondly about your music a bit later, and I liked the story you told . . . but I'm focused on rhyme right now.  Sorry.  (But you do get credit for ONLY having extra "S"s screwing up the rhymes...)

Bubba and the Amiable Kraken -- A cute lyric.  Only one near-rhyme ("roof/view") on which to pick.  But I noticed you changed your rhyme scheme in the middle of your song.  After setting us up with "three/tree/me" and "stay/day/way," we suddenly have "back/sack/TONIGHT"?!  Why the change?  (I also noticed the extra rhymes of "blue" and "two" in the first half of the chorus, but as "size" and "lay" didn't follow the same pattern, was that just a happy accident, or did you change the rhyme scheme there, as well?)

Ben Taggart -- Another lyric with just a single near-rhyme ("child/lives") in it.  (Plus the identity of "life/life" in the last verse.  Identities usually don't work as well as rhymes within a rhyme scheme.  Epizeuksis is great for driving home a point or an idea, but mere identities sit rather oddly in a lyric.)  A touching story, and a nice twist at the end bringing it back to him/you/"me" AGAIN even when the focus seemed to be passing to the next generation.

Boffoyux Dudes -- A clear near-rhyme is "own/home."  Closer to rhyming (but still no cigar) is "tour/door."  And I'm really sorry -- I'm sure you're tickled to no end by being able to use "shrinkage/Dinklage" in a lyric -- and I applaud you mightily for the creativity employed there -- but it doesn't rhyme.

Dr. Lindyke -- Your rhymes seemed to get ironed as we got further and further into the song.  You penned "revile/while/trial/aisle" and "away/say/anyway/day" -- why, then, START with "lies/by/July/side"?  Also -- your rhyme SCHEME changed throughout the song, as well.  You started with "heart/dreams/away" (which doesn't rhyme at all), morphed through "love/love/still" (which employs an identity), and then finished off with "strand/stand/hand" which rhymes throughout.  Was this a conscious choice?  If so, how do you defend/explain it?  (You are under no obligation or compunction to defend yourself to me -- I'd just be interested in knowing...)

Pigfarmer Jr. -- You only had a couple of true rhymes in the chorus ("cried/side") and the third verse ("down/drown") -- everything else (save one identity, "sorry/sorry") was a near-rhyme.  I know that many people are not hung up on near-rhymes the way I am, and they (and you) may not agree with me "picking" on this.  I just feel near-rhymes don't work as well as true rhymes do, so please feel free to take my comments however you will.  Also -- I noticed that you, like Bubba and Dr. Lindyke, changed your rhyme scheme in the third verse.  After "strawberries/married" and "sorry/sorry," you finish up with "love you/river."  What happened there?

Jutze -- I'll of course call you on "me/beam" and "way/fail," but I'm also going to use your lyric to point out something else about rhyme.  Perfect rhyme is measured from the last stressed vowel of a word.  So by that measure, "deMOcracy" and "GALaxy" aren't true rhymes, even though the last syllable is identical.  (You, of course, are completely within your rights to tell me to take my pedantic comments about rhyme and shove them until I've tried penning lyrics in German -- or until I've pronounced correctly whatever is the German equivalent of "squirrel."  Be reassured -- your lyrics are always fun and enjoyable, but I'm off on a bit of a tear about rhyme right now, so please accept my apologies.)

Hotel Rex -- I knew "door/bar" was a near-rhyme right away.  I didn't know whether "car/more" was a near-rhyme as well (as opposed to words that weren't part of the rhyme scheme but just happened to have similar sounds) until I compared it to "list/missed" later in the song.  Then I knew.

Governing Dynamics -- Just "store/bored," "sauna/Nirvana," and "young/fun."  And technically, maybe "hurt/DESert," although the way you sung it hid it pretty well.

Matt & Donna -- I counted five pairs of near-rhymes to seven pairs of perfect rhymes (plus the repeats of those rhymes).  But at least one of them would be REALLY easy to fix -- I'll talk about it next when I get to prosody . . .

You still with me?  I apologize to all of you who found that too didactic.  (My obsessiveness over the topic of true rhyme is just one of the reasons that I've suspected for so long that I'd be better off not penning reviews.)  But hey -- if Zoe can do it, you can do it too, right?  And if Brian can weave together all those rhymes while still telling a coherent story, then ANYTHING can be rhymed, right?  (The greatest example of this that I know is "Please Hello" from Pacific Overtures.  Another example of crazily-obsessive internal rhymes.  But we'll move on now . . .)

Prosody!  How well your lyrics hang on their melodic lines.  Actually not a lot of troubles here.  Just a few words here and there that got interesting accents when sung.  "StrawBERRies" in "River of Tears."  "SUBlime" in "Room Stop Spinning."  "StorAGE" in "My House Is Too Tiny" (plus "t-SHIRTS" and "gym SHORTS," where it would normally be the adjective, not the noun, getting the emphasis).  And there was also the unfortunate little stress that comes from the melody line and the accompaniment that makes "for you TO reinvent" a little awkward in "I'll Do It Myself" (along with "incompeTENCE" in the previous section).

But then there's the one that I told Matt & Donna up above would be easy to fix.  That's the "BEcause" in the very beginning of their lyric . . . and fixing the prosody problem could also eliminate a near rhyme at the same time!  Instead of "Is it BEcause of the FLY," what about moving "is it" up an eight note and singing . . .
Tears are FLOWin' from your EYES.
Is it beCAUSE of all the FLIES
That got near your face when I opened the door?
This fix reminds me of another thing that would have been easy to fix that I discussed with Mark Meritt back in my first Songwriting Cycle.  In his song "Do It (Duet)," he sang . . .
Like PEAnut butter AND choc'late MAkin' a REESe's.
All he really needed to do was turn the ingredients around and remove the contraction.
Like CHOC-o-late and PEAnut butter MAkin' a REESe's . . .
Ta-da!  Much better.  :-)

Okay -- we're starting to make the turn from the highly objective aspects of lyric writing to the highly subjective aspects of music composition.  I'm going to kind of use the section about prosody above as a kind of a segue into the sections about music.  In general, my thought is, "If you're going to impose structure on the lyrics, then honor that structure.  And if you choose later to change or break that structure, you should be able to defend that choice."  On these albums, some songs had a clear melody to which the lyric conformed and adhered, while other songs had a more GENERAL sense of melody, which then got flexed and stretched by the particularly characteristics of each iteration of a lyrical section . . .

CHAMPIONS

Jenny Katz actually did the latter on purpose.  And again, it works to great effect.  She doesn't need a strongly defined melody (or the heft and emphasis of rhyme) as her lyric already has punch and force sufficient for the song.

MC Ohm-I did the latter on purpose, as well, although in a completely different way.  When constrained by what Richard Rogers composed (and at moments what Oscar Hammerstein III wrote), he aligned his lyrics to the melody well.  But when rapping over the beat (and that VERY effective piano performance!), he got his flow going and had no need whatsoever to remain faithful to the particular pattern and sequence of the syllables he spoke the previous time around.

Matt & Donna -- There were just a couple places where you had to drop a syllable of your melody line to accommodate your lyric.  One would be fixed by what I proposed above.  The other missing syllable is at "up and snatched it away."  You tried to make it colloquial by inserting a breath there, and maybe it works.  Is there a lyrical fix that would be better?

Governing Dynamics -- Yours was the most "malleable" of melodies from the Champions pool.  Syllables were added to or skipped in the melody as the lyric dictated.  I don't know if that made it harder to perform . . . I imagine it would make it harder to sing along to or learn until it was memorized.

SHADOWS . . . plus the . . . "lurker?" . . . song as well.

Brian Grey's melody was just crazy-tight, of course, as discussed earlier.

Zoe Grey's melody was rock solid through all the verses and choruses.  The bridge was a little weird -- some extra syllables in "She doesn’t know there’s a lock, she’s not looking for the key" (which is a fantastic lyrical idea) that weren't there in "She doesn’t need to know she’s not common stock." 

James Young's lyric was shorter than many others, but his melody was solid and defined.

Rob from Amersfoort gave himself a great deal of lyrical license and freedom, and it works.  His melody doesn't repeat with fidelity, but because of the way he presented it, it doesn't need to.  (By contrast, however, the slumber party section is painfully awkward.  It sounds like exactly what is it -- something tacked on afterwards.  It seems clear your song is a minute and fifty seconds long, and that the RECORDING you submitted is two minutes five.  I'd never argue for disqualification -- in fact, I'd argue strongly AGAINST disqualification, 'cause you absolutely met the terms of the challenge -- but it makes me sad that, at least to my mind, your interesting, quirky little REAL song got a bit "marred" by the ungainly appendage with which it got saddled.)

Trader Jack, of course, largely went free-form.  And the parts where he did sing a melodic line hung together okay.  Interestingly enough -- this seems like ANOTHER song that might really be just a minute and fifty seconds long.  However, the talking (rambling?) at the end feels consistent with the entirety of the very "conversational" recording -- right down to singing along with the initial guitar riff (a choice which initially I didn't care for too much, but now I think is kind of fun, in context).  So I absolutely consider it part of the piece, and I'd argue strenuously against anyone who questioned whether it met the challenge.

Pigfarmer Jr. -- Your melody had to flex a bit, particularly in the second verse, to accommodate the words in the lyric.  And the end of your chorus seemed a bit "squeezed" in comparison to the middle of it.  Might using the word "reach" instead of "get to" help with this?

Ben Taggart -- You faced something that was kind of out of your control melodically when you lost a syllable going from "summer" or "weekend" to "day."  But the sentiment helps it work.  More in your control would have been the extra length of "And when we’re through, we’re on our way" as compared to "So ambitious, so bold."  And then your third verse has different syllable counts in EVERY line from the previous two verses.

Boffoyux Dudes -- Your (chorus? bridge?) kind of put an unnatural amount of weight on the words "but" and "because" (in turn).  And the melody seemed a lot weirder and harder to follow than in the verses.  (Maybe that's because you were trying to have the melody follow the interesting chord progressions underneath, rather than having the chords underneath either support or provide contrast for the melody.)

Jutze, Hotel Rex, Bubba and the Amiable Kraken all had a few places in the verses where extra syllables got added or dropped as necessary . . . and Dr. Lindyke had more than just a few.  But unlike was the case in "Room Stop Spinning" (in my opinion), these songs weren't really hurt by that.  Governing Dynamics wrote a much more complicated melody, and when it kept changing, it made for a more challenging experience.  These four songs all featured far more orthodox melodies, so a little flex here and there wasn't as big of a hurdle.  (At least to my ears . . .)

So now we get into the thick of things compositional.  Music is so subjective and so hard to nail down, that I'm just going to rattle off a few thoughts to everyone in the order of which I listened to the songs . . .

Ben Taggart -- For such a simple-sounding song, there are some really interesting chord progressions here.  I like it.  (I noticed on first listening at the LP that it sounded like your intro didn't utilize 4-bar phrases, and I wrote a note to make sure to go back and figure out how the intro was structured.  Upon inspection, I figured out that you did skip one bar in the second set of four.  Interesting.)

Trader Jack -- The music is cool.  It IS fitted to the sections of the lyric, which made my worry completely evaporate that this was some generic song over which you just spoke some lines.  (I did wonder that for just a bit, but closer inspection proved it wasn't a concern.)  I understand that all the fuzziness creates a particular atmosphere, but it made it hard to hear the lyrics . . . and it seemed to me like the lyrics were a pretty important part of explaining this song's existence.

Pigfarmer Jr. -- One of the songs that weren't purely chord based.  Nice arrangement.  A guitar, a bass, and a simple drum beat (plus the eventual lead) were perfectly appropriate to a song like this.  (As someone who doesn't/can't play guitar, I feel a healthy helping of envy/respect for those who do/can -- nice job.)  On a separate note -- the "echo" vocal at the end of the song seemed weirdly thin when compared to the rest of the recording . . .

Dr. Lindyke -- (Sorry about your rotator cuff.)  Like Pigfarmer Jr.'s song, this was well served by piano, simple drums, and the occasionally-insinuated synth.  Another song (like Ben Taggart's) where the song seems simple, but the chord progressions are varied and interesting.  Nice job.

Boffoyux Dudes -- Absolutely in keeping with the style we've come to expect from you guys, and I know that you enjoy bringing the fun.  (Brandi laughed and laughed throughout it when she heard it at the listening party.)  For this particular song, I kept wishing that the verse was a little more musically-complicated, and the (chorus? bridge?) a little less so.  (Your melody was pretty good in the verse but the underpinning chords made it feel a little duller, and your melody was kind of tortured later when the underpinning chords kept hopping around unexpectedly.)

Brian Gray -- Yup.  When you've got a mouthful of words, you stay away from gymnastic melody lines.  But golly, what a great arrangement.  The only thing I didn't like was the faint little scraping in the background (it sounds like a wooden frog?), but that's personal taste and totally overlook-able in the face of everything else.  The drums, the bass, and -- oh! heavens, yes! -- the B3.  Reminded me of "Gump" by Weird Al.  (Not the Presidents of the United States version, though -- interestingly enough, I actually hadn't heard the original song until I looked it up today.)  The slow keyboard break you inserted was a nice breath in the midst of the freneticism.  (Also -- I knew you pulled this concept from your "song ideas" list even before I read it on the Bandcamp page.  Congrats on being able to cross one off of your list!)

Rob from Amersfoort -- You wrote some fun chord progressions into this song.  A whimsical little ditty.  I made a note to compliment you on the B3 and the synth parts of the arrangement, as well.

James Young -- Whatever respect and envy I paid to Pigfarmer Jr. above, double it.  Very well arranged, and I simply sit here and appreciate the guitar work I'm hearing through my speakers.  Wasn't a huge fan of the fuzziness of the vocals, but that may be just me.  Definitely sounds like a song I could hear on the radio.  I also wrote myself a note on first listen -- "Music definitely more important than the lyrics, huh?"  Not a negative -- just an observation.  I've had discussions with any number of people who agree that when it comes to "popular music," the most important aspect is the drums . . . or the guitars . . . or whatever's driving the atmosphere of the song.  The lyrics are less important than the overall effect.  And I agree that that's very true in popular music.  It's in art songs -- in musical theatre songs -- that it's often the lyrics that are more important.  So while I stress the lyrics when _I_ write, I can appreciate a well-written popular song like the one you've written.  (It reminded me a lot of "Leave" by Barenaked Ladies.)

Jutze -- As Boffoyux Dudes turned in a consummately Boffoyux Dudes song, so too did you turn in a consummately Jutze song.  I wrote "ear worm" on first listen.  Goofy and fun -- need I say more?

Hotel Rex -- Not just a nice arrangement, but a nice mix as well.  This was one of the songs that had a simpler chordal construction (C, Dm and G chords in the verses; F, G, and C and an Amin in the chorus), but it had a sweetness to it, and the guitar solo was nice.

Zoe Gray -- I liked the atmosphere and the general simplicity of the song's chord structures for a song about a robot.  (And I really liked the bells in the background of the mix.)  But as I said before, I thought the bridge was a little weird musically, and I didn't like the fuzzy vocals.  It made it harder to understand the words, and I didn't think it added anything essential to the song.  (It reminded me of the one fuzzy verse in "I'm The One That's Cool," and that verse bugs me a lot . . . precisely because it's so hard to understand the words.)

Bubba and the Amiable Kraken -- Oh my heavens.  Such fantastic harmonies!  And such an engaging, fun little song.  The arrangement was wonderful.  It was well-produced.  Extra points for the whistling.  But the chorus really stole the show.  Lighthearted and sweet, and riding the cotton-candy-sweet harmonies straight into the brain.  Kudos.

MC Ohm-I -- BEAUTIFUL piano work in this song.  The strings were a nice touch, too, and the vocal harmonies were cool when they kicked in.  (The vibe and the delivery reminded me of the fun I have listening to Zach Whedon churn out "Zach's Rap" from Commentary the Musical.)

Matt & Donna -- Most of my comments on this are actually production related.  I'm not sure what the instrument or patch was that you chose to feature so prominently, but it not only kind of grated on me, it also made it hard to hear a lot of the words when I didn't have the lyrics in front of me.  (I actually had just finished writing "Hard to hear words" just as the lyric "Can't understand you" was sung for the first time in the song.)  Musically, I thought the melody was okay, but I thought the chord structure of the song verged on overly-repetitive, except for the instrumental break which seemed to try too hard to compensate in the other direction.

Governing Dynamics -- The mix seemed a bit too "reverbatron-y."  Other than that, you always do a nice job of arranging your particular moody brand of rock.  I've already discussed how I think the complexity of your chord progressions led to a melody that would have been better served by a slightly more consistently structured lyric, I don't really have a lot extra to add here.

Jenny Katz -- Yep.  The angrily-strummed solo guitar was absolutely an appropriate choice.  And it was well performed.  Another round of respect for those who demonstrate ferocious skill on an instrument completely outside of my skill set.  Reminded me generally of Ani DiFranco.

Gettin' close now.  Time to quickly talk about how people met the challenges . . . or didn't.

Jutze?  Your song was a minute and forty-six seconds.  It was supposed to be a minimum of two minutes.  By my reckoning, that should disqualify you.  As I'm just a guest judge, I'm not privy to what discussions the other judges and Spin might be having, but I imagine this one's pretty cut-and-dry.  (Sorry, man.)

Boffoyux Dudes?  I don't know whether you met the challenge or not.  The song was supposed to be about BUILDING something.  Your song seems to spend its time touring people around a house that's already BEEN built.  By my reckoning, the only thing that an outside shot of saving you is the single line (written in the past tense), "So we built a house on a trailer."  And I don't know if the official judges will think that's enough . . .

And here's the one that really kills me.  MC Ohm-I?  I don't know if you're going to survive this round.  Which sucks, 'cause I'm going to rank you first in the Champions pool.  I mean -- you submitted a fantastic song, and I absolutely understand how sampling as you did is absolutely par for the course for the genre.  But the SpinTunes competition has always expected songwriters to contribute ORIGINAL material.  There's precedence for this.  In ST3R3, Caleb Hines was DQ'd for setting the words of a 19-century poem to original music.  Now of course, lyrically you're absolutely fine.  The question hinges on whether you submitted original material MUSICALLY.  On the heels of that, in ST4R1, I tiptoed about as close to the musical line as I thought anyone could when I submitted "Sweet Dreams."  Like you, the entirety of the musical accompaniment came from another source -- this time, "Hush-a-bye Baby."  But what kept me "safe" -- and I was VERY careful to make sure this piece was there when I submitted it -- was the fact that I had original words sung to an original MELODY over the first half of the song.  Largely by virtue of the fact that you were rapping, you don't really have that.  In your song, not only is the underpinning accompaniment Richard Rogers', but every time you sing, the MELODY is his as well.  So MUSICALLY, there's nothing there that's original to you except for the arrangement . . . which is admittedly very well done.  So your survival is going to hinge upon whether the judges grant that rapped lyrics are inherently imbued with their own special kind of RHYTHMIC "melody," which in a pinch would give you a pass on the question of musical originality.  I have no idea if that idea is going to be strong enough to save you.  I've always considered myself rather good at finding just-barely-safe grey areas from which to write and submit songs -- if you survive, congratulations on having found an even greyer area in the rules than I thought possible.  If you DON'T survive, I'll be very sad for you.  I'm going to rank your song first, because as a list song, I think it beat out everyone else in your pool.  I'll leave it to the other, official judges to decide whether it gets to stay there . . .

So here we go.  You're endured my reviewing and apparently you're still here.  I've been competing in MoSF and SpinTunes since August of 2008, and I've never written reviews before.  I don't know if people are going to decide now that it was wise for me to just keep my thoughts to myself or not.  But for whatever they're worth, here are my highly-subjective rankings . . .

CHAMPIONS POOL

Top Tier
1st place -- 4 points -- Favorite Games
2nd place -- 3 points -- Thoughts On Leaving You

(I gave it to MC Ohm-I because his lyric seemed more obviously "list-y."  There have been many times in SpinTunes where really smacking the challenge pays off for the songwriter.)
Next Tier
3rd place -- 2 points -- Reasons My Kid Is Crying
4th place -- 1 point -- Room Stop Spinning

(I broke this tie in favor of Matt & Donna because again, their lyric seemed more obviously "list-y" to me.)
SHADOWS POOL

Lower Tier
I liked all three of these songs.  Jutze's made me laugh, Boffoyux Dudes' made my wife HOWL, and I appreciated what Trader Jack was doing with his very different kind of submission.  What I HATE is how rankings tacitly suggest that the entries at the bottom of the list have little or no worth.  That's not true.  (That's part of why I elevated the bottom of the list to the top of this section...)

9th place -- 3 points -- Ballad of the Emperor (although I suspect it'll be DQ'd)
10th place -- 2 points -- My Tiny House Is Too Tiny (although I think there's a chance it might get DQ'd, as well)
11th place -- 1 point -- Building
Next Tier
I don't know if it's coincidence or not that the two songs about building a metaphorical bridge to someone's heart and the two songs which used building sandcastles as a metaphor all finished in a clump in the middle of my rankings.  But they were all quality songs that I enjoyed.  And Rob -- I really enjoyed your song's sensibilities.  My mind kind of groups the songs in eighth through tenth place on my list as the "fun" songs, and yours was the one that tickled me the most from that little "mini-pack."

5th place -- 7 points -- Day After Day
NO RANK -- NO POINTS -- Building Me  (This is where I'd place it if it were an "umbra," rather than a "penumbra" entry.)
6th place -- 6 points -- River of Tears
7th place -- 5 points -- Bridge
8th place -- 4 points -- Dream House
Top Tier
Brian -- your efforts just screamed out to be rewarded.  Zoe -- it pleases my soul to no end to know that an entity like Pixar exists and thrives in this world.  You make me feel much the same way.  Bubba (et al.) -- You won me over with your chorus.  James -- I just love the music you wrote.

1st place -- 11 points -- I'll Do It Myself
2nd place -- 10 points -- Satisfaction Guaranteed
3rd place -- 9 points -- Bluebird
4th place -- 8 points -- Sandcastles
Whew!  I'm on summer vacation, so I had the time to spend the entire day on Tuesday and the first couple hours of my Wednesday working on these reviews.  Time to get back to be own project.  (I know at the top of this page and in the SpinTunes comments I already left you a link to this small sneak peek.  If you'd like to see that small snippet in context, here's a slightly bigger sneak preview...)

:-)

Edric

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for the review! So... explanations as per request:

    Rhyme: Yes, it was intentional. If you look at how they're written out, there are two opportunities for rhyme: at the pause and at the end of each line. We're rhyming verbs at the end. Near-rhymes, because this is pop; and we get to rhyme more than you do "up there", because we're exercising Southern Privilege ;)

    It's the rhymes at the pauses that are more interesting.

    In the first verse, their relationship is broken apart. No rhyme.

    In the second, he's reminiscing in flashback. Why did they get together in the first place? The answer is in the verse Love, love. Still don't care about the rhyme, but hitting the love hard. We thought thought twice before keeping that.

    In the third they're re-joined in unity, so perfect rhymes.

    Extra syllables: We don't care, is the basic answer here. The tune is subordinate to the message, and also... pop. I've been known to write a completely different tune for each verse when William's driving.

    Music: Seriously surprised that nobody really screamed about it being too long. It's that way on purpose. Being a slow dance in Myrtle Beach style, it's longer than your average radio tune. We had considered cutting it down severely by getting rid of the repetition and instrumental, but kept the editing to what was conceived. We didn't really expect to win the round, so it wasn't important to cut it down for that.

    Didn't get all the instruments in, but meh.

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  2. Cool, Dave! I hadn't considered that your rhyme scheme evolved to match the story, but I'm not surprised to learn that there are still layers and layers of subtlety underpinning a Dr. Lindyke song. Good on you.

    (If you watched the slightly longer sneak peek I left of my current project, you might have noticed that I did something maybe a little similar. When the Queen starts explaining the part of the fractal images that AREN'T properly part of the Mandelbrot Set, the rhymes shift from the true rhymes I usually employ to the kinds of words I was discussing in my comments about Jutze's rhymes above. Suddenly there's "faster/longer," "infinity/complexity/similarity/variety" and "geometry/artistry" . . .)


    (Ain't songwriting grand?) :-)


    And I'm glad you left the length alone. My philosophy is that a song should be what it needs to be. A song doesn't need to be artificially cut down to "three-oh-five" (that's a reference to "The Entertainer" . . . Billy Joel's song, not Scott Joplin's), and it DEFINITELY shouldn't be stretched beyond what it can support. In SpinTunes, you ARE obligated to make sure it has a minimum length. But beyond that, the end of the song should fall where the SONG dictates it should fall. So good on you guys for letting the song win.


    :-)

    Edric

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  3. (Just re-read what I wrote, and obviously I meant to say "vowels", not "verbs". Thanks for letting that slide ;) )

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